[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
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Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay