*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
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Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
War & Peace
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?