[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
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I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”