Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
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Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.