Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

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Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.


Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.


My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go


Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.


[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.


Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.


GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”


Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!


Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight