Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
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Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
couldn’t resist