nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
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“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
c’mon!
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Banana is the quietest snack
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no