Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
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Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Butt weight. There’s more!
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok