Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
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I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
cats when you pet them too long:
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Okay, I’m still confused…
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.