No.
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[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.