No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
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[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
two people or more is called a problem
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.