no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

You Might Also Like


i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.


I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”


Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.


ME: I need to return this blender
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”


People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?


A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.


My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.


me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird


If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste