i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
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I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste