no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
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I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
i will avenge u mr van gogh
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*