No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
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no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.