@_SetTheHook_

“No!”

-An A to Z guide to parenting.

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@AmishSuperModel

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

@squirrel74wkgn

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

@NamestartswithZ

My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.

@zachary_lampley

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

@JosesLovesYou

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

@junejuly12

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.