-An A to Z guide to parenting.

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Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?


[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…


My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.


Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.


For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.


Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.