“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
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If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
It was worth a shot 😂
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
What if all the cashiers are married?
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Catering service
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment