No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
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[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no