No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
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My birth announcement for our third baby
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.