No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
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I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
we’re gonna need another temp
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?