No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
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[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
“i am a sweet baby”
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl