No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
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8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Worlds greatest photobomb
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
There are 2 kinds of twitter.