No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
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Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.