no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
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An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.