No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
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LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Good for him.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Revenge served cold
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what