no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
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outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Not today
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Girl, same.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Me when my alarm goes off
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.