no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
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ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.