no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
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i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.