no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
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I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls