No chill.
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please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
me refusing to leave twitter
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
This pepper has seen some shit
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.