No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
You Might Also Like
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.