NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
You Might Also Like
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia