No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
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Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go