No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
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her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks