“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
You Might Also Like
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
What fresh Hell is this?!?
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.