“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
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‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
True
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
why no one uses midhusbands
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.