
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.