“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”

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The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.


No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.


[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly


Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired


I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.


When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?


My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.


70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.