@Valdemort_Arg

“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”

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@noog

The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.

@ajax06

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

@MarfSalvador

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

@Marlebean

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

@FuttyNudgekins

When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?

@Quartzjixler

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

@Birdhumms

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.