No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
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my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project