No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
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You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle