No good deed goes unposted on social media.
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Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.