No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
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Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.