No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
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Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing