@DairylandDon

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

You Might Also Like

@Reverend_Scott

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

@sarcasticmommy4

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

@sarcasticmommy4

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

@bonehugsnirony

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

@FatherWithTwins

I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.

@Jusatanoldguy

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

@Holy_Mowgli

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

@WittySassBasket

3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in