Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
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My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in