No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
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I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing