No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
You Might Also Like
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.