No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
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welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Childbirth is so beautiful
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.