No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
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A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.