No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
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M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
This is not me but this is me
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.