No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
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Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
*seductively peels off lederhosen
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry