No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
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Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
describing stardew valley
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!