No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
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My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Lol.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break