ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
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EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]