NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
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When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Donkey Kong sommelier
hear me out : pockets for your socks
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree