No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
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Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
called in thicc to work this morning
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.