NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
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whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
technically true but not a great slogan
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”