No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
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Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man