No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
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It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.