Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

waiting for halloween be like:

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer

How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?

Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

💀 😭

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people

Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”

The three genders

Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.

“and this blood shall be called A+”

all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”

And then Satan said “water down the gravy”

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

🛁

Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes